21 FAMILY JOKES

Question 1

Birds And Bees Joke

I feel bad for parents nowadays. You have to be able to explain the birds and the bees... The bees & the bees... The birds and the birds... The birds that used to be bees... The bees that used to be birds... The birds that look like bees... Plus bees that look like birds but still got a stinger!

Question 2

Mother's Day Joke

Two children ordered their mother to stay in bed one Mother's Day morning. As the smell of bacon floated up from the kitchen, she lay in eager anticipation of the lovely breakfast her helpful, caring children were making for her. However, after a good long wait, she finally went downstairs to investigate. She found them both sitting at the table eating bacon and eggs. "As a surprise for Mother's Day," one explained, "we decided to cook our own breakfast."

Question 3

A Trip To The Store With Grandpa

I was behind a grandfather and his badly-behaved grandson. He has his hands full with the child screaming for lollies, biscuits, all sorts of things. The granddad is saying in a controlled voice: "Easy, William, we won't be long . . . easy boy." Another outburst and I heard the granddad calmly say: "It's okay William. Just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in there, boy." At the checkout, the little horror is throwing items out of the trolley. Granddad says again in a controlled voice: "William, William, relax buddy, don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes, stay cool William." Well, I was really impressed, and when I got outside I saw the grandfather loading his groceries and the boy into the car. I walked over and said to the Grandad "Its none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole time you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be okay. William is very lucky to have you as his granddad." "Thanks," said the Granddad. "But I am William. That little a-hole's name is Kevin!

Question 4

A Wise Man Joke

In life, it is very important to know when to stop arguing with people and just let them be wrong!

Question 5

A Leprechaun In My Hands

A little boy went to the bathroom at school, but when he went to wipe his bum, there was no toilet paper so he used his hands. When he got back to class, his teacher asked him what he had in his hands. "A little leprechaun and if I open my hand he'll get scared away," the boy said. He was then sent to the principal's office and the principal asked him what he had in his hands. "A little leprechaun and if I open my hands he'll get scared away." He was sent home and his mom asked him what he had in his hands. "A little leprechaun and if I open my hands he'll get scared away." He was sent to his room and his dad came in and asked him what he had in his hands. "A little leprechaun and if I open my hands he'll get scared away." Then his Dad got really mad and yelled, "Open your hands!" "Look, Dad. You scared the crap out of him."

Question 6

Wife And Kids Joke

I keep a picture of my wife and kids in my wallet... It reminds me of why there is no money there!

Question 7

Deep Dark Secrets

Little Johnny was told by a friend that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying, "I know the whole truth". Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out. He goes home, and as he is greeted by his mother he says, "I know the whole truth." His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, "Just don't tell your father." Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, "I know the whole truth." The father promptly hands him $40 and says, "Please don't say a word to your mother." Very pleased, Little Johnny is on his way to school the next day, when he sees the mailman at his front door. Little Johnny greets him by saying, "I know the whole truth." The mailman drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, "Well then Johnny, come give daddy a hug."

Question 8

Feeling So Ashamed

"I'm feeling so ashamed of the way we live," a wife said to her husband, who preferred to spend his time laying on the couch watching TV, rather than finding a job. "My father pays our mortgage, my mother buys all of our groceries for us, my sister buys us our clothes, my uncle bought us a car. I'm feeling so ashamed." The husband raised his head and replied, "Well, you should feel ashamed. Those three worthless brothers of yours never even give us a cent!"

Question 9

Vegetarian Chile Joke

My Child doesn't want to eat meat. What can I replace it with?

Punch Line

VOTE

Question 10

Favorite Child Joke

It turns out that when you're asked who your favorite child is, you're expected to pick from you own. I know that now.

Question 11

Inflation Joke

I asked my grandfather for twenty dollars. "Twenty dollars?!" he said. "For What?" "To buy groceries," I told him. "When I was a boy," my grandfather said. "My mama would give me a dollar, just one dollar, and I'd go to the store and come home with two loaves of bread, two sacks of potatoes, a carton of eggs, three bottles of milk, and can of coffee and a box of tea." He shrugged and paused. "Times have changed and you can't do that now," he told me. "Too many security cameras."

Question 12

Family Tree Joke

If I shook your family tree, how many nuts would fall out?

Question 13

Divorce Joke

An elderly man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough." "Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams. "We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her," and he hangs up. Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "They're not getting divorced if I have anything to do about it," she shouts, "I'll take care of this." She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at the old man, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up. The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife and says, "Okay, they're coming for Thanksgiving...now what do we tell them for Christmas?"

Question 14

Don't Sit On The Toilet Too Long

A little three year old boy is sitting on the toilet. His mother thinks he has been in there too long, so she goes in to see what's up. The little boy is sitting on the toilet reading a book. But about every 10 seconds or so he puts the book down, grips onto to the toilet seat with his left hand and hits himself on top of the head with his right hand. His mother says: "Billy, are you all right? You've been in here for a while… Billy says: "I'm fine, mommy…i just haven't gone 'doody' yet." Mother says: "ok, you can stay here a few more minutes. But, Billy, why are you hitting yourself on the head?" Billy says: "works for ketchup."

Question 15

Another Name For A Will Joke

What’s another term for a will?

Question 16

The Favorite Child

I wish my siblings would stop calling me "spoiled" just because I'm the baby in the family. The fact is, my parents kept having children until they found one they liked. It's so not my issue.

Question 17

Ghost Call Mom And Dad Joke

What does a ghost call his mom and dad?

Question 18

Jewish Grandma

A Jewish grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is coming to visit with his wife. "You come to the front door of the apartment. I am in apartment 301. There is a big panel at the front door. With your elbow, push button 30. I will buzz you in. Come inside, the elevator is on the right. Get in and with your elbow, push 3. When you get out, I'm on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell." "Grandma, that sounds easy, but, why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow?....... "What..... You're coming empty handed?"

Question 19

Grandma Can't Say No

Grandchildren are spoiled because you can't spank Grandma!

Question 20

Time To Go The Nursing Home

Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.

21 FAMILY JOKES

Family Jokes

Birds And Bees Joke

Mother's Day Joke

A Trip To The Store With Grandpa

A Wise Man Joke

A Leprechaun In My Hands

Wife And Kids Joke

Deep Dark Secrets

Feeling So Ashamed

Vegetarian Chile Joke

Favorite Child Joke

Inflation Joke

Family Tree Joke

Divorce Joke

Don't Sit On The Toilet Too Long

Another Name For A Will Joke

The Favorite Child

Ghost Call Mom And Dad Joke

Jewish Grandma

Grandma Can't Say No

Time To Go The Nursing Home

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